The Return of the G.V.

Years and years past and the Golden Vagina (and the girl who was attached to her) had all but given up hope but then the Ka-nerd rode in on his jeep wrangler and with much patience and persistence, won the heart and the loins of the G.V. They had many memorable, uh, memories together but then one day the Ka-nerd went to law school and neglected the G.V. A well known fact about the Golden Vagina is that she hates, detests even, being ignored and frankly, my dears, she won't put up with it. She cut her losses and set off to find another knight with a bigger, ahem, jousting stick.

They met one wintry night at the Cat's Eye, which normally the G.V. would never be caught dead in, but she needed to feel pretty and was always, without a doubt, the prettiest girl in said bar. Right then. So the G.V. was out and looking to get effed up. She was taking Jell-O shots (made with moonshine) from her own boobs, taking shots of Jack and generally just trying to wreck her body as fast as humanly possible. She looked over and much to her dismay someone on ESPN had the audacity to talk about the Yankees and ruin the buzz (yeah, you're right. We're WAY past buzzed here) she had been working so hard to achieve and then... there he was. He walked over and said something to the effect of "So, you like baseball, huh?" He was beautiful. He had dark hair and eyes and a mouth and ears and was wearing clothes. He was perfect, so perfect in fact that the G.V. had no idea he was trying to talk to her and asked "huhmhp. Yooou tallkin' ta meh?" And he said "Yes, or trying to anyway." Well, that did it. The G.V. had found Mr.Right Now and was ready to go. She grabbed his hand, said "peace out bitches" to her friends and headed to the Pub. No idea what happened there... beer, shots, making out. Your guess is as good as hers. Fast forward to later that night.... Toxic was on the radio back at the abode of one of G.V. friends and the since the Golden Vagina likes a good striptease, she went to work. Then The Ray went to work. He did work, son. And then, the sun came up. They walked down the street together, her to go home and freshen up and go to a wedding shower and him to go pass out at his friends house (he was in from out of town). They exchanged numbers and said "Adieu". A week or so later, The Ray called. That's right, he called. And the G.V. and the Ray were together for over a year. They were madly in love. It was good. Then it ended. No details need to be rehashed. It didn't end amicably. Right, let's just say that.

In her heartbreak, the G.V. felt that she needed to relocate, so off to Espana she went. It was an amazing year. One of her favorites, to be honest. And what happens in Spain, stays in Spain. It's similar to Vegas that way, but it has less laws. (And more nekked people. So it's like Galapalooza too!) She came back after her tour of "duty" and remained single for about 7 months. She also received her very first vibrator which helped her to stay single. (If you don't have one, get one! The silver bullet is a "yes" man in a no world, if you know what I mean.) SIDE NOTE: Now, men can sense how powerful the G.V. is and it slowly starts to consume them and eventually drive them mad. When the G.V. denies you, don't fight it, embrace it. You are not the chosen one. It's nothing that can be changed. It's just not meant to be. It happens to a lot of guys.

Upon her return to the United States, she realized how much she missed American men. (Ladies, let me tell you, they are a rare breed. For better or worse.) She forgot that men don't have mullets or wear pointy dress shoes all the time or pants tighter than hers. She got tangled up with a wrestler and and later with Physical Therapist who couldn't contain himself around the G.V. She had to stop returning his calls and cut him out all together. As for the wrestler, they are friends. Not in the Biblical sense either.