The Work Holiday Party

Last Friday was my office Christmas party... let me give you a little insight into the company that I work for. It is a cross between Hooters (delightfully tacky) and Dunder Mifflin. Seriously. We have one of those GIANT blow-up Santa's, who is holding a gift that spins, in the entryway to our office. Classy, I know. Our party was held, ta da, at the office! Because you know, after I've worked 8 hours there, going back after being off for an hour and a half, that sounds like the BEST idea. EVER. We also had to bring a dish and prepare an entertainment. Don't ask. So our sick President, we'll call her "White Tiger", who wasn't at work all week, decided she was going to make lamb chops for every one's dining pleasure. Sick woman (who is using "old country tricks" like hot water and mustard on her feet to get better) + meat = second best idea. EVER. We were also getting something called Muscat wine. Hilarity was going to ensue. No question.

I, was fortunate enough to house/dog sit the night of the party and totally got out of going. I was relaxing on the couch when my supervisor, Mr. Ma-Chine, texted me, saying "you gotta get over here, the White Tiger is shitfaced". Weeeell, ok! Now you're talking. I couldn't resist.

What I walked into, I was not ready for. Our Peruvian secretary was screaming at everyone to stop calling her a Mexican, which no one was doing. She was 100% totally smashed, complete with bobbing and weaving motions while seating in her chair. She also started spitting on floor. Because "whad da eff you gon do bout it beeetch" so why not, right? That's normally why I spit too. Someone brought their child, and this child decided to sing "Jingle Bombs" and do a routine in which she portrays a terrorist. Highly PC and appropriate, considering one staff member is Muslim.

All the cool kids (Mr. Ma-Chine, his BF J, the Frenchman and his Quinoa, Ms. Angela Martin, Chop and his BF, De-Ron and Branch) were all sitting on one side of the room, away from everyone else so I saddled up and took my seat between Ma-Chine and J and got caught up on the party gossip.

Apparently, the White Tiger bit. it. during Havana-Gila. I mean, face plant on a table. Her attire did not help her cause either. As Ma-Chine said, it was like 10 lbs of shit in a 5 lb. bag. Someones husband taught everyone to make guns out of paper. The Peruvian secretary humped some people on the dance floor and then a trashcan. I was stalked by the girl child who was brought to the party by her mother and father. I hate them for that. She was telling everyone we were sisters. I really hated that. You know how I feel about children.

At the end of the party, the cool kids were the only ones left and we sat around and talked trash about everyone. Tis the season!

Happy Holidays, everyone!