I feel like a horrible person. Like all these crazy things keep happening in my life and that all these silly rumors keep surfacing. I have been feeling that way the past few weeks (minus my 5 glorious days of vacation, thanks to you Miss HEP!) and it's the pits. I had a breakdown of sorts last night because it feels like all these things that have been happening or that I've been ignoring are coming to a head and I'm losing all this ground and my cred. It's funny too, how it's all connected, how a falling out or a misinterpretation or a lie from one person can make it's way to another person who the first person doesn't even talk to but yet they believe it. Why is that? Why is it so much easier to believe the bad stuff? Why is it that you choose to believe the bad stuff first? Is it because that's what you hear first? Is it because you secretly don't trust the people you call (or called) friends? How did all this get so off track?
I feel like I need to reevaluate things in my life. I think I need to get over myself, in the since that I should get shut up, move on, and let it go. I need to stop being so selfish maybe and get back to that place where I was happy. I know it sounds so needy and so cliche and so whiny but I think it's true. I can't control anything else except the way that I react to the things that are thrown at me and truth be told, I haven't been doing the best job of that I could be. Or that I should be. Taking the high road is SO much harder. Believe me, I'd like nothing more than to just throw a few low blows but what good would it do? I know me and I know that if I did in fact do that, I would feel on top for about 27 minutes and then I would feel awful about it. That's not me, that's not how I want to be. And to be honest, I'm just so tired. I'm tired of the gaping mouths that cannot hold their tongues. I'm tired of the adolescent attitudes and the foresaking of friendships because of false statements. In short, I'm tired of the drama. I feel like it's time for me to fall off the radar. Just you know, disappear for awhile. Let things work themselves out and just sorta fade into the background for awhile. I have a million other things in my life to focus on, especially if I want to go back to school and I know that this too shall pass. And since I'm not dead yet, I guess it'll make me a tad stronger too.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Gettin' it off my chest
Dear X,
So I guess this is it. I guess this was the divine intervention of the universe and maybe it was suppose to happen. I wish I could apologize for whatever it is that you believe I did but the truth is that you already chose to believe him and nothing I can say will change that. I'm shocked that you don't want to know my side of the story. Me, me who you've known for 8 years and who has never betrayed you and who has forgiven you, over him, who let's be honest, you don't even know. I don't know if it's simply easier for you to believe him because it makes you feel better, like it lessens the blow or something else that I don't understand. With you, I'm never sure. You have this amazing ability to take anything someone says, whether it's positive or negative and put the opposite spin on it. You always think someone is out to get you. That's simply not the case. I don't think that anyone thinks about you the way you think they do. Unfortunately, you are so self absorbed that you would never pick up on that. I wish you would seek the help that you and everyone else around you, who cares about you, knows that you need. I realize that you, like myself, have issues. We all have issues. Yours may just be more deep rooted than you'd like to admit. There's no shame in self improvement. I'm just worried that you think you don't need to change. If you didn't, you wouldn't be so lonely. If you are the company you keep, well, that says it all right there. I think I let you back in because I felt guilty. I felt guilty about not feeling guilty. (Like I said, I have my own issues.) And I feel sorry for you... no, not pity but more like I don't want to abandon you since you really have no one else. I don't think you know what it is to be happy with yourself, yourself, not your things, or to (at the risk of sounding overly cheesy) be able to love yourself. You're so visibly unhappy, like you can't stand to be in your own skin. I just wish you could see that and want to make a change. That doesn't mean that anything is "wrong" with you. If you can't self reflect or grow as a person, how can you become the person you wish you were? I don't think you're a bad person, I think you just got lost somewhere along the way. You are quite a force to be reckoned with and part of me was really drawn to that but I've changed and I can't ever go back to being that way. It's toxic to me. And you. I think maybe we've gotten to the point where we became poisonous to each other. (We rarely say nice things to each other and even when that happens, it's me complimenting you. That's not normal in a friendship.) It's hard, I know, because we were SO close for so long but it's evident, oh so obvious, that this can't continue. I can't have you in my life because I don't like who I am when you move in and try to take over.
Just so you know, I never wanted him. I still don't. You still care for him and I would never take advantage of that. He came on to me. He was doing right in front of you and I can't believe you didn't see it. (I did everything I could possibly think of to diffuse any sort of sexual anything. Why do you think I was talking about tennis?) I wish you would have seen it because that would have made it easier for me. What did I have to gain by telling you the truth? Really? Nothing but I did it anyway. I mean, what if I never told you? Would that have made it easier or would something else have eventually happened and made it worse? You tell me because I did what I thought was right and got burned. He's a jerk and just to prove that, he sent me a text the next day saying that I should have come over. It's not me, it never was. And no, it is absolutely not all about me. I don't know where you EVER got that idea. I pushed him away. I swear, he could have raped me and it would have been my fault. You're unbelievable.
Seeing as how I'm "dead" to you, you'll never read this and you'll never know what really happened. That's your choice and I accept that. Just makes me wonder if I really ever wanted someone like that in my life. I wish you nothing but the best and hope that we never have to run into each other because it would be horrible and awkward for us both. And I'm sorry to say, I have no idea how you would react (i.e. would you throw a beer bottle at my head? would you scream at me in the middle of the bar?) I hope you make it to LA because I know you'd be happy there and maybe things in your life would change for the better.
And so it is. I have no idea how to end this because I don't want to seem excessively dramatic and yet not dramatic enough.
So, that's it. Maybe one day, we can put this behind us and get on with getting on... until then,
Me
So I guess this is it. I guess this was the divine intervention of the universe and maybe it was suppose to happen. I wish I could apologize for whatever it is that you believe I did but the truth is that you already chose to believe him and nothing I can say will change that. I'm shocked that you don't want to know my side of the story. Me, me who you've known for 8 years and who has never betrayed you and who has forgiven you, over him, who let's be honest, you don't even know. I don't know if it's simply easier for you to believe him because it makes you feel better, like it lessens the blow or something else that I don't understand. With you, I'm never sure. You have this amazing ability to take anything someone says, whether it's positive or negative and put the opposite spin on it. You always think someone is out to get you. That's simply not the case. I don't think that anyone thinks about you the way you think they do. Unfortunately, you are so self absorbed that you would never pick up on that. I wish you would seek the help that you and everyone else around you, who cares about you, knows that you need. I realize that you, like myself, have issues. We all have issues. Yours may just be more deep rooted than you'd like to admit. There's no shame in self improvement. I'm just worried that you think you don't need to change. If you didn't, you wouldn't be so lonely. If you are the company you keep, well, that says it all right there. I think I let you back in because I felt guilty. I felt guilty about not feeling guilty. (Like I said, I have my own issues.) And I feel sorry for you... no, not pity but more like I don't want to abandon you since you really have no one else. I don't think you know what it is to be happy with yourself, yourself, not your things, or to (at the risk of sounding overly cheesy) be able to love yourself. You're so visibly unhappy, like you can't stand to be in your own skin. I just wish you could see that and want to make a change. That doesn't mean that anything is "wrong" with you. If you can't self reflect or grow as a person, how can you become the person you wish you were? I don't think you're a bad person, I think you just got lost somewhere along the way. You are quite a force to be reckoned with and part of me was really drawn to that but I've changed and I can't ever go back to being that way. It's toxic to me. And you. I think maybe we've gotten to the point where we became poisonous to each other. (We rarely say nice things to each other and even when that happens, it's me complimenting you. That's not normal in a friendship.) It's hard, I know, because we were SO close for so long but it's evident, oh so obvious, that this can't continue. I can't have you in my life because I don't like who I am when you move in and try to take over.
Just so you know, I never wanted him. I still don't. You still care for him and I would never take advantage of that. He came on to me. He was doing right in front of you and I can't believe you didn't see it. (I did everything I could possibly think of to diffuse any sort of sexual anything. Why do you think I was talking about tennis?) I wish you would have seen it because that would have made it easier for me. What did I have to gain by telling you the truth? Really? Nothing but I did it anyway. I mean, what if I never told you? Would that have made it easier or would something else have eventually happened and made it worse? You tell me because I did what I thought was right and got burned. He's a jerk and just to prove that, he sent me a text the next day saying that I should have come over. It's not me, it never was. And no, it is absolutely not all about me. I don't know where you EVER got that idea. I pushed him away. I swear, he could have raped me and it would have been my fault. You're unbelievable.
Seeing as how I'm "dead" to you, you'll never read this and you'll never know what really happened. That's your choice and I accept that. Just makes me wonder if I really ever wanted someone like that in my life. I wish you nothing but the best and hope that we never have to run into each other because it would be horrible and awkward for us both. And I'm sorry to say, I have no idea how you would react (i.e. would you throw a beer bottle at my head? would you scream at me in the middle of the bar?) I hope you make it to LA because I know you'd be happy there and maybe things in your life would change for the better.
And so it is. I have no idea how to end this because I don't want to seem excessively dramatic and yet not dramatic enough.
So, that's it. Maybe one day, we can put this behind us and get on with getting on... until then,
Me
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