The Golden Vagina

Gather around kiddies while I tell you the tale of the Golden Vagina. Have you ever heard of this fabled creature? Is it an urban myth, a legend? Oh no, I assure you, it is a very real thing and can be very dangerous if it's powers fall into the wrong, um, hands.

There once was a young girl who grew up in a ville, in the suburbs. She was a smart, funny, well liked girl and innocent. She was what you might call a late bloomer and she was kissed for the first time well after the majority of the girls her age. She was 16. She was kissed by the boy of her dreams (who turned out to be a evil man who was banished to the east coast years after their break-up) and it was perfect. After that, well, things got a little crazy. She threw her virginity at him (no, she didn't lose it like her car keys.) and he caught it. Nothing but net. Things continued on smoothly until the summer before freshmen year of College. The lovely couple called it quits seeing as how he was going to be in Virginia for the next four years and she would be in Athens, Ohio (aka Disney World for alcoholics. Interestingly enough, this girl didn't know she was an alcoholic till she went to school there.) So, from there the golden vagina only got stronger and the reason for this, well, there's really only one reason: masturbation. Lots and lots of masturbation. None of it mutual, I might add.

Then the Chapa happened. And boy did he happen. The Chapa is an enigma really. He's good looking, but not Zoolander good looking, and he is smooth operator. I mean, smooth. He could charm the chastity belt off Mother Theresa. They had a relationship of sorts and then they decided, eh, we've done all the damage we can do to each other. Then the Chapa robbed the Golden Vagina of her sex drive. It was awful. He took that sex drive, put it in a jar and kept it on a shelf, in his bedroom. He had it for a long time. A loooooooooong time.