God bless family. You can't pick them and they didn't pick you but you're stuck together for the long haul. Yesterday was Christmas day and my Mom and Dad and I drove down to, that's right, Gallapolooza on Christmas eve night... actually let me go back about one week.
My Mom and I hitched a ride on a jet plane last Thursday and headed out to Las Vegas for my cousin Jen's wedding. The flight was calm and relaxing and we had no problem meeting my uncle in the airport. The 3 of us went to breakfast once we landed because I was, as usual, starving. We went to IHOP and talked about my Grandma (Nan), their crazy mother. In this particular context, I am not loosely using the word "crazy". She's certifiable. Seriously. Everyone is out of the will every other week.
Once we made it back to the house, aka wedding headquarters, it was sheer and total chaos. My Aunt put my mom and I to work, son. Next thing I know, I'm freaking making Spinach and Artichoke dip and delicately arranging pecan tarts for the party that's starting in like 3 hours. Right. It was sweet.
Ok, so then the party started. It was basically a chance for the families of the bride and groom to hang out and get to know each other. Uh, I made a cameo, was harassed by my Aunt Mary's brother Bobby who was trying to fix me up with his son who was in Califorina. Whipping out photos and the whole 9 yards... If I wanted a solider/ cop* I'm pretty sure I could find one here in Columbus. No thanks.
(* Disclamer: Nothing wrong with either profession, I'm going strictly on stereotypes here. My blog, I do what I want.) My mom and I went upstairs to take a nap before the stripper was scheduled to come. Oh yes, the stripper... wait for it. Ok, so I slept for like an hour and a half and it was blissful. Jen came to wake me up so I could get ready because once the stripper was over, we were going out. To a country bar. Where they line dance. I was pumped and or scared pumped for this but what the hell? You only go around once.
The stripper was, uh, interesting. He had a weird little dance numba that he did and it was a little too N*Sync for me but the others seemed to enjoy it... I was ready to hit up Scores or the O.G. or even the White Rhino but no such luck. He offered us his "XXX Fire and Ice Show" for the hot price of $100 bucks. YEAH RIGHT DUDE! You're a freak. He was dismissed after he rendered his services and then the drama started...
The groom's mother, will call her Sandy, got w-w-w-wasted at the party and was slurring her words and herself all over the kitchen. She cornered Jen and told her not to tell Payton (the groom) that Jeanne (brace yourselves, this gets a little retarded... The bestman's wife who just turned 21 and had a baby. Good life choices!) saw the stripper. Her husband, Beaner, didn't want her to so therefore she shouldn't have done it. Whoops! She's in all the pics, living it up with a big dong in her face. Jen was like "Sike. I'm not starting off my marriage by lying to my husband, your son". Then my Aunt jumped in... she said knock it off and let's get the hell outta here and get drunk. So we did.
Part 2 coming soon.
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