Karma

Tell me why two people tried to fight me this week. Someone, please. Seriously.

Scenario 1: I was going to the Spoon concert with two of my girlfriends, Brynn and Tara. We had gone to dinner and arrived at the concert EARLY and started spotting faux celebs which is always fun and we were moving around trying to find the best local which happened to be on the side of the stairs, next to the railing. I jumped up on the railing and that was my perch for the next 3 hours. It really was a prime spot because not only could I sit but we got to see all the people that bit it on the steps. Priceless. So, Spoon was getting ready to come on when this lady and her boyfriend rushed over to the railing and she basically sat on my feet. (Now keep in mind that before the show they were standing in the middle of the stairs and completely blocking everyone's way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I realize that Brynn and Tara were on the stairs as well but they were on the side and they're skinny so they weren't taking up any room.) Ok, I had NOT, I repeat NOT been drinking. I'm broke, I'm not proud of that but it's the truth so I wasn't drinking. Now, ok, so she sat on my feet and I politely tapped her on the shoulder and said "Excuse me. Um, excuse me." She ignored me. Well, we all know that I HATE being ignore so then it was game on! I nudged her, slightly softer than a shove but no where near a push, and she FREAKED out and said "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!" To which I responded "exCUSE ME?!?! What the fuck is YOUR problem? You are sitting on my feet and I just wanted to move them. That's it you bitch." Then she tried to push me off the railing and said "You're not supposed to be up there" and I was like "Whoa. I will fucking spit on you if you don't fucking turn around and stop talking." Then I looked at her boyfriend, who looked terrified, and asked if he would switch spots with her and the random girl next to me (who, btw, kept eye-fucking me all night) goes, "Wait, I don't want her in front of me either!" Then the crazy lady who is called Tiffany (fab. name you stupid whore.) turned around AGAIN and said "Listen, I'm not even that mad..." and I cut her off and said "No. NO. We are NOT friends. I have nothing to say to you and don't give a shit what you have to say to me, so shut up and turn the fuck around." The adrenaline was surging through my body and it was all I could do to not kick her in her nappy head with my booted foot but I had on big hoops on and realized that was the 1st thing she would go for and since I was stone sober, it woulda hurt. Bad. So I decided not to do anything. Meanwhile Brynn had gone to get security. It was pretty funny. So Spoon comes out and the crazy psycho hose beast and her wimpy bf went to the front and we all cheered and clapped and whistled as they walked away. And Spoon was sweet. We all rocked out. The end.

Scenario 2: I was grocery shopping the next night at my local Giant Eagle and was searching, scouring even, for the last thing on my list which happened to be barley. I went to ask the "apple dude" (we'll call him Fuji) if he might know where the barley was and he said "Hmmm. Let me go ask." So I followed him to the front of the store where he asked a co-worker and then this short angry little man (we'll call him Guido) said "Well, it's a pasta so it'd be with the pasta." And I said "Actually it's not a pasta, I believe it's a grain." Well, Guido did NOT like that answer and said "I think I know what barley is. I cook with it everyDAY." I said "Congratulations!" as I walked away with Fuj in search of the elusive grain. NOT pasta. Then Guido shouts back "Come down to the restaurant and I'll cook you some barley!" Really? Really, Guido? Shut up. No one was talking to you in the first place. I wanted to say "Oh, so do you make your own beer with your pasta barley and hops? You stupid dum dum." What kind of Chef doesn't know what barley is? GEEZ! Obviously in this story I was sober as well and although I have never been drunk grocery shopping, it's not out of the realm of possibilities but it didn't happen in this story.

Moral: Karma has my number. He came a-knocking and made his point. I get it. I'm trying to change my evil ways and no longer am I the devil in disguise. At least I don't think I am...