Gallapalooza

So, I was born in a little town (actually it's current status is "Village") in Southeastern Ohio called Gallipolis. I still have family and friends that live there and I LOVE going back to visit. However, as of late, every time I cross over the Gallia County lines, trouble ensues.


My last trip down there was for a wedding. The middle son of my parents best friends was getting married and although no one in my family was actually in the wedding, we were all invited to the rehearsal dinner. Now, I have known this family all my life... my mom and Sandy were preggers at the same time with Gabe and myself so I've known him since way back in the fetus days. His parents are like my second parents and visa versa. I mean, the trip before this one, Gabe and I were up drinking til like 11 am and we, and by we I mean me, drove drunk to get some doughnuts for everyone to enjoy when they woke up but unfortunately I was speaking in tongues and doing "Sally O'Malley" impressions. I sounded like I was on crystal meth and told everyone that "Gallipolis is like Las Vegas but with less naked people." Go figure. It's a good thing I don't embarrass easily.


Ok, back to the topic at hand. The, uh, lady that Gabe is/was planning on marrying is, uh, speeecial. Let's call her Stephanie... yes, the names of everyone have been changed, not to protect them, but to protect me. Well, she is your typical Gallia county native. Her dad is a farmer and her mom is a nurse. She literally is about the same size as the 50 foot woman and although she isn't completely unfortunate looking, she ain't that cute either. Also, some of us doubt her intelligence. Gabe, on the other hand, has his masters degree, is very clever and quick witted. They're really not well suited to spend eternity together but I didn't learn this until, that's right, the night BEFORE the wedding!


Ok, so the rehearsal dinner... the Uptings and the Millers come from a long line of partiers so I was completely pumped for this event PLUS Gabe's little sister, whom I adore, was going to be there. We arrive in GP at approximately 8:00 pm and by 8:27 my mom is well on her way to drunk Cindy mode which can 1) be hilarious or 2) suck ass. Luckily for my dad and I it was hilarious. She was dancing with everyone, including those that didn't want to dance and almost fell in the pool a few times. Then she got my dad to dance. Gotta love it when the old people cut a rug! Most of the elders cut out around midnight or so but the kids, we were in it to win it that night. Molly, Gabe's sister, Brent (her boyfriend) and myself headed over to Molly's parent's house, aka the thrill up on the hill and once we got there, went directly to the Pole Barn. The Pole Bar is legendary. It's literally a barn, complete with 4 wheelers, photos of Ronald Reagan and a fridge that is ALWAYS stocked with Bud Heavy and moonshine, among other things. Molly's dad, Rhett was already starting the festivities with Gabe and Stephanie's dad, Stan, and her sister. (This sister is a whole blog in herself. We called her Skeletor all weekend and she decided to accessorize her bridesmaid gown with some huge ass purple hickies on her neck. Yum.) Gabe dared me to try and fit inside a doghouse and of course, I was, "Yeah. I'll do it". Turns out, I didn't fit. Stan offered me a good suggestion though, and by good, I mean gross, creepy, etc. He said, "I know what you should do... take off all your clothes and rub KY jelly all over yourself." Um, no. First of all, no and second of all, I became acutely aware of the fact that these people were going to be Sandy and Rhett's in laws, effective immediately. Concern doesn't even begin to cover it.

After that incident, Molly, Brent and I went inside and made our traditional disgusting drunk meal of spaghetti and Velveeta. It's so much better than it sounds, I swear. After we were full of noodles and cheese, the other two passed out but I decided that I wasn't done so I headed back to the Pole Barn where I found Gabe and we stayed up til 4 am talking about marriage, stocks, New York, you know, the usual. I made the executive decision that we needed to go to bed because, after all, he was getting married the next day.

Stay tuned for more about the wedding day... it's all down hill from here.