Somewhere around 25 Bizarre becomes Immature: A List

The following is a list of activities that, although fun or amusing when you're 19-24, are not socially acceptable when you're 25:

1. Talking about donkey punching, turkey slapping, and anything related to hitting, punching, etc. to the other person during sex. It may have been funny to think about at the time, but at 25 you should be gettting sex regularly, so entertaining thoughts of weird sex acts because you're not getting any should not be necessary.
2. Alcohol Consumption and Alcohol Related Activities:
• Body shots. By the time you're 25 you should be drinking good liquor and pouring it all over somebody's body only to lick it off of them is a waste of good liquor.
• Shots. Again, related to the fact that you should be drinking good liquor. If you are a guy you should not be ordering anything less than whiskey or tequilla. That means the following shots are unacceptable: vodka, rum, any shot that includes anything that is not alcohol (i.e., grenadine, sour mix, juice, etc.--purple hooters, lemon drops, red headed sluts, etc. are all in this category), and anything that has whipped cream on it or in it (e.g., a blow job shot). Girls, if a guy you are with orders any of these shots you should a) question why you're with him or b) go home with the next nearest guy that is taking a real shot. Furthermore, short of a bachelorette party, there is no reason for a girl to take any of these shots either.
• Wine. Try it. There is far more alcohol out there besides beer and by now you should be smart enough to realize that wine has a higher percentage of alcohol and tastes better, especailly when paired with the right food.
• If you are 25 and still can't control your drinking and/or know when to cut yourself off you should not be drinking, so the following behaviors are no longer acceptable: punching, kicking, fighting, biting, or any other ridiculous physical behavior; one night stands or random hook-ups solely because you are 'drunk' and you 'don't know what you're doing'; passing out at bars or public places; boot 'n rally, puking and rallying, etc.; waking up with a stamp or mark on your face from the night before; going to work with a wrist band on; reaking of alcohol past noon the next day; smoking cigarettes only because you are drinking; uncontrollable emotional outbursts (i.e., getting angry for no reason, crying for no reason, etc.)
3. Tricking out your car. Just because Vin Diesel and Paul Walker were in their 30s in Fast and the Furious, does not make it cool to 'mod', 'trick out', or 'pimp out' your ride. Instead of wasting thousands of dollars on an exhaust and some neon lighting, spend the money and buy a big person car because, let's be honest, what are the changes you're going to race a quarter mile with someone? If you are street racing, you should probably jerk the wheel into on coming traffic the next time you race.
• This brings up the point that racing people from red lights or stops signs should never ever be done after your 25th birthday.
4. Dungeons and Dragons, Magic, and any sort of fantasy role-playing. At 25 you should be on your way to establishing some form of career and/or life, you should not need to find solace in pretending you're a wizard, troll, or whatever it is your weirdos pretend to be.
5. Anal Sex. See explanation for #1. Furthermore, at this point you should have had the opportunity to have atleast tried it. If you chose not to then that was your choice, but if you have then you should have realized that it's really not that great and if you still think it is and you're a guy you should probably spend some time at a turkish bath house... you know... "to just see what it's all about and maybe experiment" because chances are that you have some deep rooted issues that are preventing you from truly 'being yourself'.
6. Rollercoaster Relationships. Breaking up, getting back together again, and doing it all over again is something we do when we're in high school and college because we're learning about the dynamics of relationships. By this time, you should have at least one serious relationship under your belt and the period to learn how to break-up should be long past.
• When breaking up, things that should be avoided (and ultimately never enter your mind): seeking revenge (i.e., contacting your ex's family members, hooking up with friends of your ex, etc.). and name calling (break-ups happen, be a big boy and get over it).
7. Racism, sexism, and any other form of ignorance. You have now been alive a quarter of a centrury and have spent enough time in this world to hopefully be exposed to all walks of life, if you still have prejudices based on ignorance, get out more, go meet some people and start being an adult.
8. Not owning any dress clothes and/or the general inability to get dressed up. At this stage in the game, you and/or several people you know should be getting married. It is not acceptable to wear a clean pair of jeans or khakis and your Saturday golf polo to a wedding. Along these lines, it is no where near acceptable to wear a similar outfit to a job interview unless you are interviewing for a blue-collar job. Don't go drinking one weekend, take the money you saved, and buy yourself a respectable outfit.
• Sagging your pants. Why? No really, why? Why would you still be sagging your pants?
9. Not knowing how to cook and/or do laundry. Although you could get away with eating McDonalds and wearing the same clothes for weeks on end in college, this behavior is no longer acceptable. I'm not saying everyone needs to know how to cook a 3 course meal but you should at least know how to boil some vegetables, cook a chicken and grill a steak. As for laundry: whites go with whites, colors go with colors, don't use bleach except for whites, and stick to using cold water (it's easier).
10. Smoking Weed. This is something most people have at least tried and although there's no scientific evidence, I'm still convinced the majority of chronic pot smokers smoke to ease their anxiety of human interaction. If you are one of these people, they offer legal prescriptions to cure this. Smoking weed is something people do in high school and college because it is cheap and they don't know any better. And not that I condone drug use, but if you are 25 and still feel the need to experience some altered state of mind, then grow up and do some real drugs like coke.
11. Okay, as much as it pains me to admit, dating a member of the opposite sex that is under the age of 21. The general rule is half your age plus 8 years (e.g., 25/2 = 12.5 + 8 = 20.5). Take it from someone who's been there before, dating people that cannot legally drink really limits the activities that you can partake in (thank god, mine had a fake I.D.). Aside from the whole limited social calendar is the issue of maturity and the heart of this entire list. There is a certain level of maturity you develop between 19 and 25, and as someone of relative maturity the activities that one would partake in at 19 should seem ridiculous at this point. Stay away from it. Find someone that you can do more than just sleep with.
12. Decorating with Blacklights, Lava Lamps, and Glow-in-the Dark Anything. Sure this stuff was fascinating when you were a kid and it was trippy when you were drunk or stoned in college but if you're using any of these things to decorate your abode, you might as well just buy inflatable furniture (and no this is NOT cool)!!

Special thanks to Maggie, Manda, Sarah, Laura, and Moo for adding their 2 cents.

The Day for Stupid Articles on MSN.com

Here are 2 more:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23578747 - Hazing is Prevalent in Colleges
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23579662 - 17% of 6th Graders have Tried Alcohol

Article 1: According to the researchers, we'll refer to them as Butch and Butcher (their picture was on the U. of Maine homepage, and I really did go look), hazing is prevalent on college campuses. Of course hazing, according to Butch and Butcher, hazing is anything that includes: atendance at a skit or roast where team members are humiliated; wearing clothing that is embarrassing; being yelled, screamed, or cursed at; acting as a personal servant; enduring harsh weather; drinking large amounts of a non-alcoholic beverage; drinking a large amount of alcohol to the point of passing out or getting sick; and watching live sex acts. Finally, their 'huge' surprising conclusion was that 9 of 10 people that reported experiencing one or more of these activities said they didn't feel like it was hazing. Butch and Butcher like to think that these results show that hazing is widespread and a serious concern that all universities should be concerned with. Moreover, they think that stricter laws and rules be implemented to combat this horrible act. Perhaps, if they would have put away their femi-nazi agendas and stopped to consider their results for a moment, they would realize that 9 out of 10 people didn't consider these activities to be hazing because they were, dare I say, having fun!! Obviously, some hazing does go too far, but singing and chanting... wearing embarrassing clothing... playing drinking games... It's college, and just because you spent your 4 years trying to come to grips with the fact that you like eating Snizz and getting fisted by a chick that looks like a dude, does not mean that the rest of the world is not allowed to experience anything 'fun' in college. Furthermore, people join a fraternity, sorority, sports team, club, etc. so they feel like a part of something. It is a proven psychological fact that things mean more when people have to work for them. When people go out to join these groups, most go in assuming that they will have to work in some way to get accepted. Those that don't are just naive. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Yes, hazing in which people die is something we should be concerned about but to define hazing to include singing, wearing clothes, having to associate with specific people as hazing is insane. The last time I checked no one died from singing or chanting in public, no one died from wearing embarrassing clothes, and no one died from hanging out with specific people. Articles like this really make me wonder just how many lines of research are started to find an answer to why bad things happen to certain people. Like the article I wrote about in which a researched found that teenage girls that hangout with boys are more likely to drink. Could this research simply exist because Butch and Butcher were embarrassed or made to feel bad in college and now they have some vendetta against anyone else feeling this way. Just because you had a poor experience in college doesn't mean you should ruin it for everyone else!! It's like if I were in a car accident and now I want to ban everyone from driving. People die in car accidents all the time, in fact the likelihood of dying in a car accident is much higher than dying from a hazing incident, does this mean we should work to ban driving? Maybe I should make that a dissertation topic.

Article 2: Read the article, a study that claims 17% of 6th graders have tried alcohol is trying to convince people that alcohol education should take place in elementary school. There are 3 issues I have with this article:

1. The sample is 4000 6th graders in Chicago, IL. I understand that most research studies are based on samples of college freshman and these are generalized to a larger population, however, 6th grade in 1 city is a little hard to generalize to all middle schoolers. My point is that college freshman from around the world is a much more homogenous group than 6th graders from around the world. Especially when the sample is from middle schools in a very large urban area. What about middle schoolers in rural areas? The south? All I'm saying is, it is a stretch to survey 4000 6th graders in 1 of the largest cities in the world and try to generalize it to all middle schoolers everywhere.
2. The key term here is 'tried'. 'Tried'... at this point take A.I. rant about practice but replace 'practice' with 'tried'. Growing up, how many peoples' parents let them have a sip of their wine or beer. Better yet, how many people had that little thimble of wine at church? 'Tried' constitutes a sip or a taste. For all we know, they tried alcohol with their parent. Once again, trying to make a huge conclusion from a relatively meaningless result... something researchers do all the time to try and make a name for themselves.
3. Introduce alcohol education in elementary school... I think that the older we get the more we forget how we thought as children or maybe these researchers don't have children or have little experience with children because from my experience, the more you tell a kid to not do something that millions of adults do, the more inclined they will be to want to try it. When I was in elementary school, alcohol was just something Dad drank. I spent as much time thinking about alcohol as I did thinking about a 401k. By introducing the idea of alcohol and that it's something kids should avoid, the more they will think about it and the more they think about it, the more likely they will be tempted to try it.

Here's a fascinating idea, don't introduce alcohol education classes to elementary students and don't try to create a big conclusion from a small sample, and more importantly a small sip. Instead, go home to your kids and be a mailto:F@$%5E&ing PARENT!!!!! It shouldn't be up to a 5th grade teacher to educate your son or daughter on why alcohol is bad, but it is your responsibility as a parent to know what the eff your kid is doing and be involved in their life. Middle schoolers can't drive and they can't hold jobs, so where and how are they acquiring alcohol? That is the question we should be answering. If more parents parented instead of point a finger at everyone and everything besides themselves for their kids' behavior, perhaps all these kids might grow up with some commonsense and be able to make good, informed decisions.