20 Guidelines to a Successful Cult

The following guidelines are based on the stupidity and ridiculousness of some of the famous cults in history:

1. Don't bang underage girls
2. Don't bang married chicks
3. Don't do any weird sexual shit, Jesus didn't do it and your followers are going to catch on pretty quickly. Besides, you're the Messiah that is as good of a pickup line as any.
4. Don't take your followers' money, have them give it to the 'needy'. It makes you look greedy and really brings your intentions into question
5. Grow a beard
6. Don't make ridiculous claims, like the world is going to end on so-and-so day. When it doesn't happen your powers are going to become meaningless.
7. Whatever you do, make it appear that you always have less than your followers. You're the Messiah, worldly possessions need to appear meaningless to you.
8. Always wear sandals and robes. Messiahs don't wear Nike's and jeans.
9. If you have some effed up childhood, you're going to have trouble convincing others that you are who you say you are. Keep that stuff under wraps.
10. Don't use "I'm the Messiah" to justify weird shit.
11. Learn magic.
12. Look for people that have recently gone through tragedy. For the same reason the skinheads are always getting new recruits, tragedy and sadness make people incredibly gullible trusting.
13. Don't wear aviator glasses. At this point, it's pretty safe to say, David Koresh ruined this one for future cult leaders.
14. Don't have disabled followers or freaky people hang around you, a Messiah could cure these imperfections.
15. Dissenters only mean storms are ahead. Be prepared. Better yet, get better persuasion skills.
16. A degree in psychology or marketing is just as good as reading the Bible, religion is simply a tool of persuasion. There are several other things that can be used.
17. You must be skinny. Related to #7 you need to make it appear that your followers get way more than you and if you're fat and they are skinny, it's going to be difficult.
18. Don't do documentaries with National Geographic. Secrecy is a strength, use it.
19. Don't have your followers do weird stuff like have group suicides or kill people. Again, secrecy is a good thing and that stuff just gets you on the grid of the authorities.
20. Always talk in slow and soft tones. In no way can you come across as aggressive. Always seem nurturing.