Thoughts

Ok, so here I sit on the brink of 27-ness with lots of thoughts flying thru my head. I had lots of time to think over the holiday weekend so I took advantage of the opportunity and came up with this...

- I need to do some growing up. This is not the first time I have had this realization but it is the first time that it has hit me this hard. I mean, I have made leaps and bounds from where I was a year ago but still... there's SO much room left for improvement and really, isn't there always? I think one can always improve themself because if not, we'd all be Buddha or David Beckham or Angelina.
- I wish I could date myself. I realize that a lot of my current behavior (or all of it) is brought on by 1 of 2 things: alcohol and boys SO if I could date myself that would eliminate half of the problem. Think about it... I think I'm good looking, funny, smart, etc. It's perfect. I like all the same things that I like, I don't want kids and neither does myself. I never don't call. I can satisfy myself. It's a shame I can't make it happen.
- I am a mean person. Really mean. I can't say that I have any regrets... well, in hindsight, maybe one but that's it and no I won't be sharing that with you. No one and I mean NO ONE knows about it and it's SO much better than way. Ok, now actually, yes I am mean but I think I've bought into the "idea" that I'm mean. I wasn't always this way but in my old age I've discovered that I've become a raging bitch. It's got to stop. I'm outta control aaaaand I digress...
- Cat vomit is disgusting.
- Drunk driving is never good and it WILL catch up with you.
- Gas and food should be free.
- I can't believe how much cash flow I've spent over the past four days and it's amazing how Target can make a bad day a great day. Seriously, it's like my porn or something. (Actually, websites like PerezHilton or Pinkisthenewblog are women's version of porn... whole nother blog.)
Let's hope that with the end of the year rapidly approaching, changes will be made. Skin will be toughened, hearts will heal, forgiveness will be easily given and things will become slightly more clear for me.

palabras...

hours too slow and minutes too fast
always apologizing for the same mistakes
it happens all too often and i can't make you see that it has nothing to do with you
i falter daily without realizing that it's my routine
falling from grace without a memory or a thought
uncomplicated from the blow and coming undone
but full of promise and rising to the occasion that is ever chasing me
a quiet numbness breathes life into my hurt and solidifies my aching
you elude my advances and cheat me out of my bad habits
they all lead me back to where i started
and it's no good but it's everything i know
seeking comfort in the familiar even though it feeds the beautiful mess that i've made
tangled up in the in between and the inside out
never letting on that it's you i miss

Something to think about...

Would you rather have a three-way with Scarlett Johansson and Samuel Alito OR Jenna Jameson and WWE's Batista?

The Golden Vagina, part III

About 6 months ago the Golden Vagina took a trip to Las Vegas, that's right, Sin City itself. I know what you're thinking and you're probably right. The G.V. was at a cabana party at the Rock Hard which was incredible. She was enjoying the company and the free vodka when WHAM! she sensed a very good looking man scoping her out. Normally, the G.V. isn't shy, modest or demure but this man was so attractive that it made her nervous. He came over to talk to her and then she and her friends were whisked off by a friend who was in charge of the free vodka. Priorities folks, priorities. Later on that evening, the hot man, (we'll call him Paul Revere) found the G.V. and they hit it off. (Interpret that how you will, please). Paul and the G.V. still talk and they are on good terms. He actually is coming to visit her in about 2 weeks.

Present day: The G.V. just recently got out of her first relationship since The Ray. (We shall call this one Weed Pony.) The Weed Pony was and still is a good shit but unfortunately, he wants baby ponies but can't go to work 5 days in a row for 2 weeks, hangs out at strip clubs and can't get past his love for the "high". (I don't see baby ponies in his future anytime soon. Unless some lucky 19 year old from the Hungry Intellect gets knocked up by the Weed Pony.) The G.V. misses the Weed Pony, in spite of his faults but she also isn't sure if the Weed Pony is to be trusted. (The G.V. went to college with many Weed Ponies and became great friends with them, but now that the G.V. is more mature, she realizes that Weed Ponies... well, it's all relative.)

She was re-released into the wild last Friday... nothing to update you on up to this point so just chill til the next episode. Peace fools.

The Return of the G.V.

Years and years past and the Golden Vagina (and the girl who was attached to her) had all but given up hope but then the Ka-nerd rode in on his jeep wrangler and with much patience and persistence, won the heart and the loins of the G.V. They had many memorable, uh, memories together but then one day the Ka-nerd went to law school and neglected the G.V. A well known fact about the Golden Vagina is that she hates, detests even, being ignored and frankly, my dears, she won't put up with it. She cut her losses and set off to find another knight with a bigger, ahem, jousting stick.

They met one wintry night at the Cat's Eye, which normally the G.V. would never be caught dead in, but she needed to feel pretty and was always, without a doubt, the prettiest girl in said bar. Right then. So the G.V. was out and looking to get effed up. She was taking Jell-O shots (made with moonshine) from her own boobs, taking shots of Jack and generally just trying to wreck her body as fast as humanly possible. She looked over and much to her dismay someone on ESPN had the audacity to talk about the Yankees and ruin the buzz (yeah, you're right. We're WAY past buzzed here) she had been working so hard to achieve and then... there he was. He walked over and said something to the effect of "So, you like baseball, huh?" He was beautiful. He had dark hair and eyes and a mouth and ears and was wearing clothes. He was perfect, so perfect in fact that the G.V. had no idea he was trying to talk to her and asked "huhmhp. Yooou tallkin' ta meh?" And he said "Yes, or trying to anyway." Well, that did it. The G.V. had found Mr.Right Now and was ready to go. She grabbed his hand, said "peace out bitches" to her friends and headed to the Pub. No idea what happened there... beer, shots, making out. Your guess is as good as hers. Fast forward to later that night.... Toxic was on the radio back at the abode of one of G.V. friends and the since the Golden Vagina likes a good striptease, she went to work. Then The Ray went to work. He did work, son. And then, the sun came up. They walked down the street together, her to go home and freshen up and go to a wedding shower and him to go pass out at his friends house (he was in from out of town). They exchanged numbers and said "Adieu". A week or so later, The Ray called. That's right, he called. And the G.V. and the Ray were together for over a year. They were madly in love. It was good. Then it ended. No details need to be rehashed. It didn't end amicably. Right, let's just say that.

In her heartbreak, the G.V. felt that she needed to relocate, so off to Espana she went. It was an amazing year. One of her favorites, to be honest. And what happens in Spain, stays in Spain. It's similar to Vegas that way, but it has less laws. (And more nekked people. So it's like Galapalooza too!) She came back after her tour of "duty" and remained single for about 7 months. She also received her very first vibrator which helped her to stay single. (If you don't have one, get one! The silver bullet is a "yes" man in a no world, if you know what I mean.) SIDE NOTE: Now, men can sense how powerful the G.V. is and it slowly starts to consume them and eventually drive them mad. When the G.V. denies you, don't fight it, embrace it. You are not the chosen one. It's nothing that can be changed. It's just not meant to be. It happens to a lot of guys.

Upon her return to the United States, she realized how much she missed American men. (Ladies, let me tell you, they are a rare breed. For better or worse.) She forgot that men don't have mullets or wear pointy dress shoes all the time or pants tighter than hers. She got tangled up with a wrestler and and later with Physical Therapist who couldn't contain himself around the G.V. She had to stop returning his calls and cut him out all together. As for the wrestler, they are friends. Not in the Biblical sense either.

The Golden Vagina

Gather around kiddies while I tell you the tale of the Golden Vagina. Have you ever heard of this fabled creature? Is it an urban myth, a legend? Oh no, I assure you, it is a very real thing and can be very dangerous if it's powers fall into the wrong, um, hands.

There once was a young girl who grew up in a ville, in the suburbs. She was a smart, funny, well liked girl and innocent. She was what you might call a late bloomer and she was kissed for the first time well after the majority of the girls her age. She was 16. She was kissed by the boy of her dreams (who turned out to be a evil man who was banished to the east coast years after their break-up) and it was perfect. After that, well, things got a little crazy. She threw her virginity at him (no, she didn't lose it like her car keys.) and he caught it. Nothing but net. Things continued on smoothly until the summer before freshmen year of College. The lovely couple called it quits seeing as how he was going to be in Virginia for the next four years and she would be in Athens, Ohio (aka Disney World for alcoholics. Interestingly enough, this girl didn't know she was an alcoholic till she went to school there.) So, from there the golden vagina only got stronger and the reason for this, well, there's really only one reason: masturbation. Lots and lots of masturbation. None of it mutual, I might add.

Then the Chapa happened. And boy did he happen. The Chapa is an enigma really. He's good looking, but not Zoolander good looking, and he is smooth operator. I mean, smooth. He could charm the chastity belt off Mother Theresa. They had a relationship of sorts and then they decided, eh, we've done all the damage we can do to each other. Then the Chapa robbed the Golden Vagina of her sex drive. It was awful. He took that sex drive, put it in a jar and kept it on a shelf, in his bedroom. He had it for a long time. A loooooooooong time.

Intro: Golden Vagina 101

For those of you who are not familiar with the Golden Vagina, let me introduce her. I have only met one my entire life, as they are a dying breed. (Similar to the Unicorn, but different.)

She is mean, soft, can be hateful, can be sweet. She knows what she wants and usually gets it. She is smart and witty and cutting, but not in the literal sense. She is a force to be reckoned with and she has been known to turn one night stands into years long relationships. (Many times the mind, soul, etc. of the human attached to the G.V. is a victim herself. Esp. when intoxicated. The girl is powerless.)

Consider yourselves warned.

Top 10

Top 10 Reasons Moo should give for breaking up:
10) You just can’t give me what I’m looking for
9) Let’s be honest you and I both know you aren’t good enough for me
8) All this was, was a summer fling. I should have done this weeks ago.
7) You are too immature for me
6) You have a stupid car
5) You know how you said you don’t know me that well… well I’m in the Reserves and I’m being shipped to Iran tomorrow
4) Awwww, you thought we were really dating? That’s cute.
3) Its not me, its you.
2) You’re only a 4 and I can only seriously date a minimum of a 7
1) I finally got to the store and picked up some batteries, so I don’t really need you anymore.

The Ridiculousness of Radio

Since my car is in the shop, I have been driving my parents' car around the past couple days. In my car I have the Harman-Kardon Drive+Play so I can listen to my Ipod while I drive. As a side note, this is an amazing device and I recommend it to anyone with an ipod. Okay, my parents' car does not have an ipod adapter and I have not bought or made a cd in over 3 years, so I have been forced to listen to the radio, not satellite radio but good old fashion radio. After 2 days of this unbearable torture, I have one question: WHY WOULD ANYONE CHOOSE TO LISTEN TO THIS GOD FORESAKEN TECHNOLOGY THAT SHOULD BE EXTINCT BY NOW??!!



Although many of my complaints may be a result of my location, here they are anyway:

1. Commercials, commercials, commercials!! Not only do I find radio commecials incredibly annoying. Furthermore, has anyone really ever been listening to the radio, heard a product commecial, and thought to themself, "Holy shit, I have to go out and buy that!" Seriously, what company in their right mind would think they should participate in radio advertising? With the inception of the ipod and satellite radio the audience is much smaller and less diverse. I suggest that the only products that should be advertised on radio are products geared towards the elderly and soon-to-be-deceased. This also brings up my issue with "commercial-free"satellite radio. Bullshit. It is not commercial-free when every 3 songs you advertise for satellite radio. Fix it!
2. I hate it when you can scan through 10 stations and there is a commercial playing on every station. This happens all the time and it pisses me off.
3. This one may be a result of the stupid midwest city I live in, but if I hear another Nickelback or Hinder song playing on more than one station at a time, I'm going to drive my car into oncoming traffic. It really makes no sense to me why a radio station would choose to play this 13 year old girly rock on their station. Radio stations function because of advertising revenue and, the last time I checked, 13 year old girls do not possess a lot of buying power. Therefore, they are not a target audience of your advertisers so why would you choose to play this crap?...
4. ... and the answer is... because most, if not all, radio DJs have the mental capacity and mindset of a 13 year old girl who just found big brother's stash of meth. The worst perpetrators of this fact, morning radio show hosts. Maybe some people like peppiness when they wake up and maybe it helps them to wake up a little faster, but I'm going to guess that this overacted peppiness and energy makes a majority of the human race want to jerk the steering wheel right into a giant tree. It's unnecessary, your jokes aren't funny, your 'Jackass' type stunts aren't funny unless I can see you writhing in physical pain, your guests want to be sitting there talking to your dumb ass as much as you want to accept the fact that you are one step away from being mentally retarded, and I don't have a football game tonight so quit trying to act like a F#$%ing cheerleader at a pep rally!! You are 30 years old, grow up, put on a suit, and get a big-boy job!
5. My ipod does not cut out with static and I don't have to go find a new ipod with music I like because I drive through a tunnel.

These are just some of my complaints towards the ancient technology known as radio. I'm sure I have plenty more to write about but I have to go pick up my car from the shop because I choose to not be a victim of radio anymore! Seriously people, go out, spend a couple hundred on an ipod and a car adapter. I promise you, you will not be disappointed. You get to listen to what you want when you want, there are no commercials, there are no speed-addicted jackasses trying to hype you up in the morning, and you never have to search for another station.

The Good Life: the 26th Birthday Story

To sum up my birthday, three things were confirmed:

1. My life is good, I am lucky, I am blessed... whatever you want to call it or label it, good things happen to bad people.


2. I surround myself with people who make my life entertaining, otherwise it would be quite boring.


3. I need a new key chain.

I guess the celebration started a little early because what started out as happy hour on Friday turned into a night of random drunkenness. Me, Annie Oakley, Pirate Jenny, and Principal McGee started the night at Frog, Bear with half-priced Stellas. After about 3 rounds of these, I moved to the staple (Patron on the rocks). We move the party to the Patio, where the real randomness begins. K-Rock is bartending and I continue with Patron (I really need to come up with a name for this). We go inside and Annie gets directed to a table of guys, who turn out to be guys I went to Miami with and/or played hockey with. We drink with them. Then people from work show up and I drink with them. Then Uni-1 shows up with some of her old softball friends. We drink at the Patio for a while, drinking shots, beers, etc. Finally, Annie and McGee want to go home. I'm in the zone, so I don't want to go home yet. Pirate Jenny and I end up going with Uni-1 to the Polo Club. By this point I'm a lot drunker than I allow myself to believe. All I remember from the car ride there was that I felt ill. We get to the Polo Club and I immediately vomit upon exiting the car. At the Polo Club, I drank water so I could drive home. Friday night ends. A fun night that was pseudo-reminiscent of my 21st birthday in which I ran into everyone and their mother and got retarded-drunk.

Saturday starts with multiple phone calls between 10 and 11 wishing me happy birthday but I'm way to hungover to move or try to answer my phone so I let them all go to voicemail. Thank you to whoever called. Pirate Jenny and I wake up around 12 but continue to wallow in hangover for 2 more hours. Finally, we begin to move and make are way to Cincy. We get to Cincy around 4:30 even though we had planned to be at the casino by 4. Oh well, if you know me then you should know I'm probably going to be late. We get to the casino around 6:30 and I immediately go down $150 in blackjack so the night isn't looking to good, but let's be honest I'm Bryan and this is my life. I find my brother at the roulette table so I sit down next to him and get $50 in chips. Again I go down and I'm down to my last $15 and I put it all on red. Boom, it hits and then I go on a streak. B-Rad, Jose, and K-Fed finally make it to the casino, we say hi, and they go to the craps table. At about 10 everyone is up and ready to cash out, keep in mind this is about 3 hours after we had planned on leaving but you can't mess with a good streak. We leave for the hotel, check in real fast, drop our stuff off, and leave. Somewhere between the casino and the hotel, Jose gets a phone call and is put into a mood. He doesn't make it out. The rest of us go to Hoffbrahaus, where we consume large steins of beer and glasses of liquor. We close down the bar. Back at the hotel, K-Fed informs B-Rad that Moo's friend was "talking shit" so he goes into drunk fight mode. They yell and push but K-Fed and I convince B-Rad to go to White Castle with us because for some reason a Crave case sounds amazing at 4am. For some reason it took 45 minutes to get 30 hamburgers but we get back to the hotel. Moo and her friend are leaving. B-Rad has calmed down by this point and tries to apologize but Moo's friend won't have it. Drama ends when they leave. Everyone passes out and I proceed to try and 'finish off' my birthday in the smallest shower known to man, doesn't happen.

Ok, so how did this mess all amount to 3 confirmations of my life? 1) Seriously, who wins that much at a casino, who can run into random friends where ever he goes, and who has as many good things happen to me and as few bad things as me? 2) Kind of going along with 1, my life is easy, it is rarely difficult or unbearable, but it is also pretty textbook. If it weren't for the ridiculous people I surround myself with, it would probably be pretty boring. 3) As Ben Harper wrote, "With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about just one?" A million thanks to everyone that called or texted me birthday wishes. I really do appreciate them all. I'm so lucky to have each and everyone of you as a friend. To everyone that was there to help celebrate my birthday, I had a blast. Pirate Jenny, I have nothing but love for you. You are the main reason my birthday was what it was and I hope you know how much I appreciated it and how much it meant to me. I hope you know how much you mean to me!! You rock and I wish I wasn't retarded. With that said, with all the birthday wishes I received you would think I would completely content and happy but alas I was not because there was still one call that never came. I think it's time to finally let go, find a new key chain, and walk away....